Money, money, money

If anyone tells you there`s a recession on at the moment then they are talking Bollocks. Believe me. Having spent a week in Monaco for the Grand Prix there is certainly money floating about here, and most of it is, quiet literally floating.

If you take a look around the Monaco Harbour every last inch is crammed with over-polished white fibreglass and gold. These are not just normal yachts, or even super yachts these are Mega yachts. The average price of which is somewhere between 140-200 Million US Dollars. If you then consider that Monaco harbour is home to around 50 of these mega yachts over the Grand Prix weekend then we are talking about 9 Billion Dollars of value just floating around in the harbour.

This 9 billion dollars is then providing the background for 24 drivers to race their priceless cars around for about 2 hours on a Sunday.
Between these 24 drivers their total wage bill for the year is around 120 Million Dollars.

If you add up the value of the cars parked outside the Monaco Casino it would still be a fairly substantial figure, never mind the money that is trading hands inside the casino. And that is just the cost of buying a drink.

And then the total running costs of all F1 teams each year is around 3 Billion dollars.
Money really is not an issue around here.

This is all very well especially as I believe that I had the best seat in the house during the race on Sunday. To watch F1 cars at speed around the narrow streets of Monaco is super impressive, especially from the close quarters that we are permitted as F1 photographers.
The super-wealthy on their yachts get a fairly poor view. Most of them give up and sit in their Jacuzzis watching the race on the tv. Most of the sponsors and shareholders watch from the F1 paddock club or a hotel balcony over the circuit. The die hard (and still fairly wealthy) fans watch from grandstands behind safety fencing.

But I have the best ticket in the place. I started my race at the iconic Lowes Hairpin (yes I know it`s not called that anymore and I don`t care) then into the tunnel, before catching the action at the Nouvell Chicane, I walked back past the gin palaces and stopped briefly at the swimming pool chicane and then positioned myself in time for a front row seat at the podium presentation.

It`s not all glitz and glamour in Monaco and it certainly isn`t the prettiest place on the planet.
You do feel that you have entered God`s waiting room and you have to be constantly aware of where you are treading so as to avoid the Chihuahua shit that is ever-present on every street corner.

But to be honest who cares?

For this one week each year rules don`t matter. You can spend as much money as you like, you can wear ridiculous fashions, you can hang out with even bigger egos than your own, you can be more exuberant and outrageous than anyone else. You can bathe in Veuve Clicquot, have caviar on your cornflakes, you can do whatever you like. It`s Monaco. And they are never going to create a new one!

Boats v Planes

Everyone has by now had a good laugh at my travel woes of the past few weeks. I arrived into the Barcelona paddock this week to endless witty comments, general mickey taking and a strange sense of achievement that we had actually won the prize for the best return journey home through the volcanic ash from the Chinese GP.

When I say `Best` I mean `Worst`. We all agreed that before leaving China in different directions we would have a prize for the best return journey and the dramas involved. Little did I know that I would win? The sad thing is, we decided that the prize for the winners would be a photographic print of Michael Schumacher donated by myself. Second prize would be an autographed Michael Schumacher print.

So anyway, having put up with a weeks piss-taking, I was looking forward to an easy couple of weeks travel to the Spanish GP and then heading to the best race of the year in Monaco. But no, look-out, here comes that bloody ash cloud again.

OK, so we are not in China, we can easily drive or take the train to Monaco, I have local currency to spend, I can even sort-of speak the language, it even looks like I am going to avoid jail this week. But why should I be subjected to these hassles?

Every time I even think about going near an airport nowadays some sort of drama happens. In the past few months, I have been delayed in London. Lost my luggage in Madrid. Had my flight cancelled in Shanghai. Had an engine blow up on take-off in Zurich. And as I now sit here in Spain, they are announcing that my airport is closed in Barcelona!
This is even before British Airways decides to go on strike!
They have just announced their next strike dates. They have handily planned it for the same days that everyone will fly to the Turkish GP and then the following fortnight, the Canadian GP. How very convenient!!

Now, in my opinion 2 members of the F1 paddock have it spot on.

Mike Gascoyne and Vijay Mallya are heading from this race to the next on their private yachts. This is far more sensible.
Nobody can delay a boat sailing. Nobody closes harbours because of a bit of ash. When you put your luggage on a boat and get to your destination, it is still there. Should your boat blow an engine on departure, you glide to a gentle halt in a harbour rather that falling out of the sky.

Boats have other advantages; You don`t have to queue to get on your own boat, you don`t have to sit next to a sweaty stranger on your own boat. You can take as much liquid as you like on your own boat. And you can even be trusted with a pair of scissors! You can eat when you like, sleep when you like and you certainly don`t need showing where the emergency exits are!

Think about it, boats are the way forward.

Volcano, Jails and Snoring

As I write this I am sitting in seat 1 A of business class bound for London and currently somewhere over northern Thailand. I have just enjoyed a lovely steak and now washing it down with a few beers. Sounds lovely doesn`t it?

If only the past week had gone so smoothly .....

So we had the Chinese Grand Prix on Sunday, not that I can remember it, I can`t even remember who won. This is not because the race was boring. Far from it, in fact there was action galore. But due to the fact that the minute the Icelandic volcano erupted the F1 paddock personel have thought of nothing more than `How the bloody hell are we going to get home?`

The race ended and all members of the F1 travelling circus turned their attention to booking flights home . Can I get a connecting flight from Shanghai to Bangkok? Does Lufthansa fly into Kuala Lumpur? Do I need a visa to transfer through Singapore? How long does it take to drive to Calais from Porto? Can I fit any more fake Rolex`s in my luggage? Have I got enough pants to last another week? And all other conceivable options.

As we woke on Monday the full extent of the situation dawned on us. We were stuck. All flights to the UK and most of Europe were cancelled.

Now, normally this would not be a problem. A few days extra away from home, staying in a nice hotel, time to explore the local area, time to get all of your work done before returning to the UK, maybe even a few boozy nights out with colleagues? But No, this was the Chinese Grand Prix, and it is not the place that you want to be stranded.

So we came up with a plan to get home; Our original airline offered us a date of the 6th May which was 16 days away and there was no way on this earth that I was staying in China for 16 days, I would rather crawl home!

So we decided upon Shanghai - Hanoi - Moscow - London. This would give the volcano time to calm down and in theory provide us somewhere nice to ride out the flight chaos ensuing in Europe.

This was all going swimmingly well until we arrived in Hanoi and Vietnamese immigration studied our visa documents to find that the visa office had actually incorrectly filled-out the forms. The authorities decided that we were illegally trying to enter Vietman and they told us that we were being sent back to China (where by now, we also did not have a current visa!) No end of discussions and pleading ensued until we were shown to what the officers called the `Transit Hotel`. The Transit Hotel turned out to be a prison. We were ushered in and shown where we were going to spend the night whilst they investigated our visas. We were to share this barren room with an armed guard for the night who had not expected our arrival and had consumed a few too many bottles of cheap red wine. Ok, he was hammered. And armed. And he snored!, It was not a fun 12 hours.

Our visas were processed the following day and we headed eagerly into Hanoi. What a place. The contrast from the grimy heavy air of Shanghai to an immigration cell, to the tropical holiday vibe of the Hanoi Old Town was very welcome.

Sadly our little trip had to come to a premature end due to an earlier flight being available and so as I now sit here, heading to London, consuming another beer, I look back at the rollercoaster of the past 72 hours.

I know one thing for sure, I thought the snoring from the armed guard 24 hours ago was bad, but the snoring from the guy in the seat behind me might just set the volcano off again!

Brand Loyalty - Malaysian GP 2010

If you don`t ride a scooter in Malaysia then you drive a Proton. They are everywhere. Every car you see, every car you rent, every car you have never dreamed of is a Proton.

This of course is good news, not only for Proton and the government, which are a majority shareholder, but also good news for country loyalty. The Malaysians love their Protons.
It is however bad news for the 3 million Proton owners in Malaysia who believe that the only option in car ownership is a Proton. Sure they are cheap, I suppose, they are even reliable, but I wouldn`t want to crash in one. Hell, I wouldn`t want to spend more than about 10 minutes in one!

The locals that buy these cars know no different. They are loyal to the brand. They like their Protons and they would like us foreigners to like their Protons.

I find it rather strange that as a brand it has such a loyal following. Most Malaysians I have met are young, ambitious individuals with style and are constantly looking to Europe for the next trend or fashion. But when it comes to loyalty in Malaysia the blue-chip companies have it sewn up.

Last weekend I watched Fairuz Fauzy, a young Malaysian F1 test driver, make his Formula One testing debut in front of his home fans. He was driving a Lotus, which is owned by Proton. The team is owned by Malaysia`s version of Richard Branson. This should be a sure fire Malaysian success story. But as Fairuz completed his first laps at the Malaysian circuit none of these loyal locals batted an eyelid. There were no cheers, no flag waving no screams from adoring females.

How far do you have to go to get a following from local Malaysians? This is a Malaysian team, owned by a Malaysian celebrity, with a Malaysian driver, driving a Formula One car, in Malaysia!

In complete contrast, when Nico Rosberg, a Finn, pretending to be a German, who lives in Monaco walked out on to the podium in 3rd place for Mercedes, a German car manufacturer, he received the biggest cheer of the weekend.

Why?
Not because they were wowed by Nicos driving skills. They were not impressed with his 3rd position either. They were not even fans of his European good-looks and they were certainly not fans of Mercedes. They cheered because of the slogan emblazoned across Nicos race overalls. PETRONAS The Malaysian state Oil Company. This, believe it or not, received the biggest cheer of the weekend.

Brand loyalty, it`s a funny old thing!

Strewth Mate - Australian GP

The Aussies go to work in shorts. That`s a good reason to hate them.

But to be honest, I have found a few more reasons over the course of this Australian GP weekend.

I used to live in Australia, and loved it. It was a laid back, warm, relaxed country with gorgeous, tanned, blue-eyed, blonde-haired people, using phrases such as cobber, ripper and fair dinkum. It was open and free and nobody gave a toss about anything!

Oh how things have changed... You can`t do or say anything now without being told how or where to do it by some jumped up whining Aussie in a yellow jacket.

This weekend I had a friend who was told he couldn`t walk down the street whilst listening to an i-pod in case he couldn` t hear the car that was about to run him over.


Also a colleague who was arrested for jogging around Albert Park - it's a bloody park! And there was a F1 driver who was charged by police for doing a wheel-spin at a Grand Prix!!!!

They are insane.

So Lewis Hamilton spun the wheels of his Mercedes on the road just outside the perimeter gates of the circuit.
So what?
He is a World Champion. He is one of the best blokes (to use your terminology) in the world at driving high powered cars.

The Aussies have for a long time had slogans directed at road safety. Who can forget "Drink and drive? You're a bloody idiot!" or the not so catchy "Slow down stupid" But their latest slogan sums the county up as a whole. Can you imagine any other countries' road safety officials using; "Don't be a Dickhead!" to reduce casualties on their roads.

Although Australia is safety obsessed, there are still some instances where they just don` t bat an eyelid.
Most of these involve man eating, poisonous animals.
You can happily fight with kangaroos, wrestle with crocodiles, sleep with snakes, surf with jellyfish or like I did, scuba dive with sharks. But hey if you want to cross a road, you need at least 6 people in high-vis jackets to help you. Crikey!

Walking The Amazon

Completely unrelated to Photography or Motorsport ' Walking The Amazon ' is a remarkable feat currently being undertaken by an old school mate of mine.

Ed Stafford is currently walking the length of the Amazon River, source to sea! Completely unaided and without support crew.

As I write this (18th March 2010) he has been walking for 715 days and still expects to have about another 6 months to go.

If Ed completes this mammoth walk he will be the first human being to do so. Whilst hopefully also generating huge amounts of money for charity.

Walking The Amazon has regular updates direct from Ed by satellite phone and has some incredible video fotage and photography from the trip so far.

If you can donate, sponsor, support or just spread the word it would be greatly appreciated.

Entertainment - Bahrain GP 2010

Its a funny thing entertainment. We need different amounts at different times in different circumstances, from different people, in different locations.

Let me give you an example; my flight out to the first F1 race in Bahrain was never going to be entertaining . How can a 7 hour plane journey from Gatwick, full of strange people, with a 2 hour stop over in Doha come anywhere near being considered as entertaining?

So as I walked onto the plane and was told I could sit anywhere I liked, as there are only 60 passengers flying on a plane capable of accommodating 295 people, this trip suddenly looked more entertaining.
I plonked myself into an emergency exit row, kicked off my shoes and pressed the Beer Button as the cabin crew call bell is becoming more commonly known.
My other colleagues decided that their idea of entertainment was slightly different to mine. One was entertained by watching a German film about terminal cancer whilst drinking 14 bottles of white wine. Another decided he would take the offer of free seating to position himself next to a pretty Canadian girl and spend the next 7 hours sticking his tongue down her throat.
The flight continued like this all the way to Doha and eventually Bahrain, where we all walked off the plane sideways and decided that yes Qatar Airways is indeed a 5 star airline.

This brings me on to what is now being slated as one of the most boring F1 races in history. For the record I do not agree. But as I am trying to explain, we all need entertaining in different ways. The Bahrain circuit do this fantastically. There is so much entertainment off track that actually watching some cars drive round in circles pails into insignificance with the entertainment activities including, watching a man stick his head inside a balloon, a Geordie escapologist wearing not much more than a yellow bow tie and a girl playing a violin whilst BMX bikers perform tricks above her head.

We have never had an entertaining race in Bahrain. New rules will not change that, new car and driver combinations will not either, nor will adding a few more corners to a circuit. Entertainment comes from being surprised when you do not expect to be, realising that something is fun when it is not supposed to be, or watching a man in lycra climb inside a big red plastic balloon.

Lets see what the Aussies can come up with in 2 weeks time.......